The Thoughts of a Dead Man
by gracia.michelle
Summary: Dead and now desperate to get back home, Damon's thoughts turn to his friends and family. He soon finds himself contemplating his actions and decisions as regrets and doubts start to seep in. (One shot)


_AN: I know I have another story that I have been very bad about updating and I promise I will do it as and when I get the time. But this one just seemed like a nice idea although I'm sure there are plenty of one shots just like this one. The main reason I wrote this is because I wanted to know what it was like to write a one shot. Also I'm now way behind on a few of my classes so wish me luck. Oh and leave a review and tell me what you think. Constructive criticism and your thoughts in general are welcome._

He had been there for a while now but he didn't know how long. After the initial bickering, he and Bonnie had realised that they were stuck together and there was nothing they could do but work together now. They had a common goal - they both wanted to get out of where ever they were and get back to Mystic Falls and their loved ones. He was grateful for Bonnie's companionship but it didn't always help. He hated times like this when she fell silent and his thoughts were diverted to the people he had left behind.

Elena was the one he thought of the most. Just when everything seemed to have worked out, they were ripped apart once more and this time by death. The universe really didn't want the two of them together. He had told her that his life had peaked and that was true. His relationship with both Elena and Stefan had been in such a good place and that just meant he missed them even more. He almost wished that the other side hadn't been destroyed because that way, he would have still been able to watch over her. He knew that it wouldn't really mean anything but it was something; it was better than having to stay away from her. His heart ached every time he thought about her. Despite knowing everything that he had done, she still chose to stay by his side. He knew that that made him one of the luckiest people to have walked the face of the earth. His only regret was that between the sire bond, the universe, the travellers and Katherine, they hadn't really spent a lot of time together. The summer had been fun but now it was something he felt terrible about. His brother had been missing and in a lot of trouble, but he hadn't even realised it.

When Damon had been taken captive by the Augustine society, Stefan hadn't known he was missing either. But he couldn't hold that against him as they weren't really on good terms back then. But this time, they were. He should have known that Stefan wouldn't have left without telling him. Even if he hadn't wanted him to know where he was, he would have mentioned that he was leaving Mystic Falls. Those months that Stefan had spent in his watery grave were entirely his fault. When he thought back on all those years he had spent being angry with Stefan, he now felt ashamed. They were brothers. They had been so close while they were still human. When they were still in transition and Stefan had brought him the girl to feed on, he knew that his brother's intentions were pure. Stefan just hadn't wanted him to die and he wished he would have understood that earlier. But unfortunately, he had been too absorbed with the fact that Katherine had loved Stefan too and he just couldn't find it in himself to be understanding.

Thoughts of Stefan and their past rivalry inevitably got him thinking about Katherine. She had played them both and made them hate each other. Just about everything that had gone wrong could be traced back to her. He knew that he should be taking responsibility for his victims but it was just so much easier to blame Katherine. She had pretended to love him, turned him and made him think that she was trapped in a tomb waiting to be rescued. But none of that meant he had to kill people or hold a grudge against his brother. It was only years later that he found out that Stefan had been compelled while he had loved her willingly. He had known that she was a vampire and he had still loved her with all his heart. He had wasted a century and a half loving her and missing her. He had been constantly living in the land of heartbreak until he had found out that Katherine really wasn't in the tomb and had finally managed to move on from her. He then remembered that there were a few years when he hadn't really cared much about Katherine. In fact he hadn't cared for anything because he had flipped the switch.

Five years as the Augustine test subject, 21051, had been torture, there was no doubt about that. But even in the midst of all that, he had been able to make a friend. Enzo had kept him sane and had thought him how to survive while in captivity. He wondered if he had given up too easily when they were trying to escape. The cage had been extremely hot and he hadn't been as strong as he would have liked. But he couldn't help but wonder if he would have been able to save his friend had he taken the time to drink from a few of the others at the party or would they have both been caught and taken back to their cells? He wouldn't know because he hadn't tried to find out. He wished he had taken the risk. When he had seen Enzo for the first time in that classroom at Whitmore, he had been shocked but the evil professor had Elena and he hadn't had the time or the energy to react. Maybe he should have. Maybe he should have told Enzo how happy he was to see him again but he hadn't. He had been a terrible friend to Enzo but they had been able to patch things up until he had realised that he was the one who had killed Maggie. His only defence was that he hadn't known she was the one Enzo had spoken about and his switch was flipped. But now it seemed like a weak defence. He was glad that Enzo was now alive and well. He knew that if he ever found a way to get back to earth, he would have to be a better a friend to him.

Enzo wasn't the only one who had put up with him. There had been others but no one had done as much for him as Alaric. He had even killed Ric twice and the man had chosen to forgive him or at least pretend like it hadn't happened. He thought it was sad that he hadn't been able to find it in him to give Ric a proper apology until it was too late. He thought back to the night when Ric had decided against completing his transition and everything that followed. He had ended up completing the transition thanks to the witches on the other side but his immortal life had been short lived. Ric had died in his arms after Elena had been killed by Rebekah. He felt a stab in his heart when he thought of the exact moment when he realised that both Elena and Ric were dead. Things hadn't gone too well after the original witch had started messing with them but until then, Ric had been his friend, his drinking buddy and sometimes his partner in crime. Ric had been able to keep him in check and had tried to be his conscience. He couldn't think of anyone else in the world that would have been able to do that. Knowing that Ric was now alive, he felt some amount of peace.

As much as he tried to deny it, the town and its citizens had grown on him. He wondered how that had happened and the answer presented itself to him in one word: Elena. She had taught him to care for other people. If it hadn't been for her, Stefan and Damon might never have gotten back to speaking terms. Lexi had been able to do that once but he knew that after the little incident at the roof in New York, she wouldn't ever try to help him again. When Damon had first come to Mystic Falls, his thoughts were consumed by Katherine. After finding out the truth about Katherine, he felt he would never be able to love someone as much as he had loved her. He didn't want to either because he had been convinced that it would only end in heartbreak. He had built walls around his heart that were so high that no one could ever hope to scale them but Elena had managed to break them down. He had been a little surprised with himself when he realised that he was falling in love with her and as time passed, his feelings for her only grew. She had become the light of his world.

When Stefan had come back from his trip with Klaus, they had agreed that the one that Elena didn't choose would leave town. He really hadn't wanted to leave and her transition had given him the perfect excuse to stay. But it had soon become apparent to him that he wasn't wanted there. At times he had contemplated leaving. The thought of Elena with his brother would drive him to that point. But the idea of not being able to see her on a daily basis seemed like a more painful prospect. Now he was glad he had stayed. He was glad he hadn't left as soon as he had broken the sire bond either. If he had, he would have never gotten to find out that her love for him had been real. Her graduation was a great day for him as well, except the part where he had almost died. He had many regrets but he was happy to say that he didn't regret any of his actions which concerned Elena. It seemed as if he had had a clear head only when he was dealing with her. Or maybe he just cared enough for her that he did the right thing.

He was never able to spend more than a few minutes in peace thinking about Elena. Whenever he thought he had done the right thing with respect to her, the hundreds of people whom he had hurt popped into his head. He had been unnecessarily hard on Caroline when he had first moved into Mystic Falls. He didn't think it was wrong to have used her as a source of food. After all, he had been a vampire and she, a human. That's how it worked. But he knew that he had destroyed her confidence and had an overall ill effect on her. He had intended to kill her. Now that she was a vampire, she knew what he had done to her and she now hated him and he didn't blame her. He thought about Jeremy. He had snapped his neck because Katherine had managed to upset him. He was lucky Jeremy had been wearing the Gilbert ring that night. Jeremy had as much reason as anybody else to hate him but after Bonnie had brought him back to life for the second time, he had managed to put up with him. When Elena had to leave for Whitmore, he had taken over as Jeremy's guardian and he had been okay with it. He and Matt had even helped him blow up Mystic Grill. He knew that they hadn't done it for him. They had done it for their friends, Stefan, Tyler and Bonnie; they had done it for their home town. Whatever their motivations, they had still be able to work with him after everything he had done. He still wished he had treated them better. After all, they were just kids.

He finally thought of Bonnie who he was now forced to spend all his time with. They still couldn't stand each other but they were now stuck together regardless of whether they liked it or not. But to her credit, Bonnie was being much nicer to him than he deserved. Her mother and her grandmother had both died because of him. She hated him for his willingness to kill but she had helped him out in the past. She had helped him get to Mason Lockwood knowing that he was going to kill him. Bonnie was a lot stronger than anyone gave her credit for. She had lost friends and family and had managed to survive. In the end, she even sacrificed her own life for her friends - twice. Damon couldn't help but feel proud of her. She was no longer the little girl who was afraid of the unknown. She was now a powerful woman who could face just about anything.

His wished he could turn off his brain but he couldn't, not until Bonnie asked, "Do you think there's a way out of here?"

"I don't know, Bonnie."

"I'm just saying 'cos we've been here for God knows how long and we're supposed to be dead. Dead people aren't supposed to be able to get back."

"When you were on the other side, were you able to talk to others there?"

"No."

"Then what's so special about this place that we can?" Bonnie gave him a blank look and he continued, "This place feels nothing like the other side so maybe there's a way out."

"What if there isn't?"

"Then we're stuck here forever." Taking in her crushed expression, he said, "But there's no way to find out so our best option is to keep looking. I'm not giving up."

"Neither am I", replied Bonnie with conviction.


End file.
